Quarantine memory come back in the flaccid postcognition of
just now hours of file search -- 2020 for now, page
AWS: atomic world silo
Pin oak and crocus
(Undated):
Pokémon 2000(Note now 240311 3:12 AM:occlude second to last '0', replace '2'), the pink jellyfish in 小鲤鱼, dream of 快乐星球, I was the pink girl, the boy apposite, strange + not domestic, other + special, chosen, I felt enriched, the texture of personal hard skeletal under-life change, the rich imagined, dwelling in meta-thought world, was there a shame element? And later the adolescent activation in dream of being L.P., famous, elevated or in amphitheater divot, handsome, desired different – this dim in the head-dark plush (plum?) of memory, the contours of the bedroom, -- imagined simplified wall-bound bed and raised step/stage of the colorless dream space, conflated or in concurrent mists blended (being forceful and daring w/ words) – these the television, the television harbinger of beauty story Otherlife and new projected character for dream placement and new – wondrous and male – IKEA pencil among blue of map, in the pocket of the – oyster car pocket – associations abound of the novel and shocking space of the dealership – shame, excitement, fear, secrecy, pleasure – maybe pleasure or excitement
Hop over moment in your Tyvek bunnysuit!
July 7, 2020 12:22AM https://drc.usask.ca/projects/faulkner/main/criticism/sartre.html
March 11, 2020 8:03PM B, Á, JK-M , final image pre-leaving
March 11, 2020 10:03 PM Jersey plant 1`
March 11, 2020 10:03 PM Jersey plant 2
March 20, 2020 6:56 PM My bathroom(view from toilet)
March 26, 2020 6:26 PM Like a concave egg with volume reduced to disk level, nested in a bush with no visible trunk; bushes in general have no visible trunk, and present as sort of rootless public "bunches" or "condensations" of bark and leaf matter
March 23, 2020 11:46 PM T divot. I keep looking at this and thinking "court and spark" (March 11, 2024 4:13 AM)
March 29, 2020 4:19 PM Upper/lower scalloped/waved T with meat at hand
April 11, 2020 11:16 PM It seems that B's former lover photoshopped this image of me as a marine? Friendly fire, friendly fire, friendly fire, i forgive you. I think the screenshot is from her phone, with green topmost margin representing an active "Facetime call" between her and myself.
April 11, 2020 11:17 PM ^Said image of me as a marine. Also just wrote the above caption and now feel that i am affecting a sort of "voice" in regards to this page. Or type of page. perceived type of page. I am pulling from the digital pen. Can no longer recognize much of its effect beyond a micron thin sensation in the front and back head. It is a curious and frustrating non-presence. I want to feel "more high"
April 26, 2020 8:38 PM Jim's house, from my driveway
May 9, 2020 5:47 AM DAWN after I have spent the night not sleeping (It is 4:41 AM right now...
May 19, 2020 9:14 PM Sleep has her house by scott barley alone in the basement
May 19, 2020 9:56 PM I like that there are two separate but recorded and temporally marked points in this movie
May 30, 2020 1:06 PM A luminous "
ice pop" quality to the 2 boys/2 pools system in this image
May 30, 2020 6:30 PM Rain through IB's guesthouse window
and
June 4, 2020 7:29 PM glass guesthouse door. At this time I wrote in an email to JK-M: "I have seen iB what feels like very few but also countless times. We have been in his guesthouse, the area around the guesthouse, and a path through the woods and across the road to 7-eleven and
I have his address memorized, and the 7-eleven is the one on Soapstone Dr. IB does this often where he will say something very grand or very specific… In a certain way… And then I will respond and he’ll quickly go, I have no idea what I”m talking about. I’m not smart. Etc. Just something I have noticed. We sit in different places he is a very pathetic person I do not mean that in a mean way. do you know what i mean, he simply cuts this kind of pathetic figure, in all the ways ‘pathetic’ is defined, But I do not dislike him, I dislike spending time with him I think and I do not particularly like the person I am with him who is a stranger, not that I act completely different from myself. A stranger in that she feels so me-less. This woman Vivian her voice is a little different it is caught in her throat, a little deep and clilpped and at first she was kind of mean out of fear but then became strange? But kind to him? It is both very easy and also hard to converse with him he is always talking about the DSM-5, and Carl Jung, he does not really listen when i talk. I feel like I am being gaslit kind of. We went for a drive at night which was nice, to look for deer to take photos of, but I don’t know if it was nice actually or nice in comparison to all the other interaction I have had. (Which is to say none, except for him.
He is convinced I am him! But I am not. I think. I think I am being gaslit? Not purposely by him but i just am losing the boundary of something I used to have.
I think I have failed both at being a sort of character with him (which I had the intention of doing..) and at being myself. I am a self in reaction to him. I guess. But he has become convinced that is me, and if that is the only me I can be around him, then that is the me he knows, and that is me! No. so i have decided not to see him again .)
Driving with you would be So much better , I look forward to it and indeed was very happy reading your email even the possibility of ZIPPING in an automobile w/ you across any state , I understand this reluctance to use the phone I Have been feeling more and more that I need toned to sit with myself that spending time on the phone with other people is both exhausting and boring and never the same as seeing them in person, being in the same room side by side while doing your own tasks, the best comfort in that and now voice communication what do you talk about? The voice of your friend (which is which i not your friend but just hte digital sound of them) asks you how you are and what you did you today and you cannot answer. And what you do instead is ask them the question back." [all sic]
June 4, 2020 7:37 PM On
Saturday, December 9th 2023 4--- PM I wrote: "Did I want to kick him out? I think no, I think I wanted to have sex with him. Which is similar but which then there is the rejoinder period of talking about it after. Fuck. Thinking about every single fucking letter word that I want to say it all feels banal irreversibly bad I don’t care I don’t care I am typing like a teenager ha it seems. The last thing (recording this coldly, writerly) he did was salute me. I said Godspeed. He said You, black emperor. Left. He was evil. He was evil. I thought, wait, I don’t have enough, I don’t have enough, part of him knows I’m going to write about him. That writing is not some flaccid afterbirthy thing as in “response” or “reaction” to other things, tailing off, but describing which is in and through, that it is the THING, the THING I am always thinking about which is causing me pain OHHHH HHE HAS SO MUCH PAIN HE HAS SO MUCH PAIN HE DOES NOT EVEN HE IS NOT ABLE TO CARRY IT IN HIS WOOD WAGON BODY A FAULT IS FOR EXAMPLE TO BE “BORING SOMETIMES” WHICH THEN I THINK, ABSTRACTLY, HOW DO I CREATE A CURRENT THAT CHANGES PACE OFTEN ENOUGH AND IRREGULARLY ENOUGH THAT I BECOME ALWAYS INTERESTING, A FAULT IS “YOU ANNOY ME SOMETIMES” I UNDERSTAND WE ARE ALL ACTING IN FEAR OF HURTING ONE ANOTHER’S FEELINGS BUT HIM SMELLING BAD THEN POKING AT ME WITH NO DECENCY IS NOT… IT IS AN UNCOVERED AND SHEATHLESS SPIT"
June 5, 2020 5:30 PM For the first time website-wise i am feeling the fearful and quickening high of being "shockingly personal", online... Should i hide this page? Or redo it ?
June 17, 2020 9:31 PM Driving around great falls, with IB in passenger seat, taking photos of the lit and frequent deer
June 17, 2020 11:02 PM Parents's bedroom bathroom through the bush from the driveway. light "still" on. I hope i did not feel old dread, "getting in trouble", "keeping my story straight" feeling upon seeing this. even after finding, selecting, transfering, uploading, i didnt remember what this image was materially "of" until now writing this caption (5:01 AM) which is interesting
July 9, 2020 8:24 PM Trader joes parking lot, unhooked from place... 0 license plates visible
July 25, 2020 5:03 PM A couple with the same lucent and fleshy glow as the image of the children in the pool, Potomac river
August 28, 2020 6:10 PM Family room
September 22, 2020 10:43 AM From June 17, the other deer photo. i took this on IB's film camera and he sent me this photo of the image twice encoded. Scanned then photographed through the screen
October 14, 2020 9:49 PM Moth? i feel uninspired (12:31 PM the next day)
November 13, 2020 10:17 PM Me in a new shirt (ill selfie)
November 19, 2020 1:44 PM Watching leviathan alone in my parents's bedroom
November 19, 2020 1:44 PM Hearted wedding photo
November 24, 2020 9:31 PM My father, in the futon that faces the TV (twice above)
December 1, 2020 9:26 PM An interesting image symbol to have here in the chronology as one compact "node" Bc it really is a strain that runs under and through,
۩up, back, top۩
